Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Create your own Zombietopia

From Rod Dreher's new blog: what would your Zombietopia (e.g., your personal zombie-laden Apocalypse, or near-Apocalypse if we have to be technical about it) be like? Here are a few of Rod's ideas:

1. Zombies will prove especially vulnerable to the savage mystical powers of Shun Ken Onion knives, turning those who possess them into Insta-Jedis.

2. By executive decree, the president will declare that all saloons have to give free beer to Insta-Jedis who whip out their Shun Ken Onion knives. [...]

4. Zombies will be terrified of small yappy dogs, and when startled by the canine klaxon, will exude an odorless pheromone that will instantly de-constipate the hound. If he's constipated. Which he probably is.

5. Chickens, when tapped on the poultry equivalent of the shoulder by Insta-Jedis, will instantly turn into chicken versions of those cool flying dragon birds from Avatar, and will prove staggeringly effective in helping Insta-Jedis who ride them pick off zombies from on high.

Pretty funny stuff.

What would my Zombietopia be like? I've got a few ideas:

1. People who either played Resident Evil (tm) for hours and hours or dutifully watched their spouses play Resident Evil (tm) for hours and hours would have a significant advantage in fighting off real zombies, and would be able to do so with cheap kitchen knives, not fancy several-hundred-dollar foodie tools. ;)

2. Zombies would decide early on that redheads' brains taste bitter and would refuse to eat any, even if they managed to capture some redheads.

3. Zombies would not be at all afraid of dogs, but would, instead, greatly fear cats for their calm ability to start snacking on zombie limbs even while the zombie was still using them.

4. Several new zombie tracking websites, tools and apps would spring into existence, though there would be some friendly competition among such groups as DeadFace Book, Mutter, Cem City, and the popular and cool Zombie Positioning System which, alas, only works on the iPad.

5. Zombie-fighting regulations would grind to a complete halt in Congress, leading to the appalling discovery that zombies have been running most Senate committees for the last several decades.

6. The Catholic blogosphere would erupt in a bitter controversy about whether the zombies in question were merely dead flesh animated by some demonic power, and thus perfectly legitimate to destroy indiscriminately (as they couldn't be "killed," being already dead) or living people under the control of some parasite, poison, virus, or other agent, and thus still people whose human dignity precludes indiscriminate killing. The blog-war would rage without an end in site, until an intrepid Catholic blogger infiltrates the zombie-leader-group and films the zombie leaders engaging in a secret meeting featuring liturgical dance, workshops about incorporating the four elements into the liturgy, Sophia-goddess worship, and the Feng Shui of felt banner creation. All doubt is thus removed and the indiscriminate destruction of the zombies commences.

7. Though kitchen knives wielded by Resident Evil (tm) afficianados would be effective against the zombies, it's pretty slow dealing with them this way. Several other weapons are tried, but conventional weapons don't work that well either (as shooting something that isn't alive isn't, in reality, all that helpful). Finally, though, someone realizes that zombies can be destroyed quickly and easily by a device made of a detonator, a telepromtper, several liters of Botox, and a carton of CFL light bulbs. The demand for these items will leave lasting post-Zombietopia effects on the nation's military, politicians, entertainment industry, and green energy plans (not to mention Al Gore, possibly the only human to be effected by the shortage of three out of four of these items), but everyone agrees the sacrifice must be made.

Okay, your turn! What would your Zombietopia look like?


freddy said...

1. Millions of homschooled children download and share flamethrower how-to's from the internet.

2. The Los Angeles archdiocese opens a "Zombie Outreach Center," and holds "Zombie Masses."

3. Zombies are welcomed at a "Call to Action" conference, but leave as soon as they find out there are no brains available there.

4. Ultra-trad Catholics refuse to use flamethrowers, arguing from obscure Latin texts that as a form of cremation it is forbidden. Crossbows are their weapon of choice.

5. Fundamentalist Protestants argue whether Zombies are fortold as part of the end times, and whether they imply a pre-trib, nid-trib or post-trib rapture.

6. The Anglican Church elects its first Zombie Bishop.

7. The U.S. Government gives Zombies the right to vote (but they always forget), announces "Zombie History Month," hires zombie guest speakers for school Diversity Days, enrolls Zombies in welfare and medicare benefits, and generally mainstreams zomies into American society.

8. At McD's, you are now asked, "Do you want brains with that?"

Deirdre Mundy said...

1. Zombies are prone to freezer burn, and so don't make it into the northern parts of the country, except as a seasonal pest.

2. DC is NOT cold enough, and falls to the zombies, leaving us without a national government.

3. The grand, sovereign state of Indiana uses the national guard to defend its borders from the Zombie horde AND Illinois politicians trying to sneak across the border to take advantage of our lush farmland and mouth-wateringly good blueberry patches.

4. Life continues on much as it always has. Except, freed from federal restrictions, Indiana becomes 100% pro-life. Well, and people sort of miss the Florida Vacations, but they can always daytrip to Amish country instead! :)

(Sorry, all y'all Texans. Actually, maybe your climate will prove to be to DRY for the Zombies? So they crumble into dust? -- Also... Erin: You Watch/Played Resident Evil??? I could never get past the part at the beginning where the Dog jumps at you--I always screamed and dropped the controller and died!! (More of an RPG gal, myself! Yey Final Fantasy!)

Red Cardigan said...

Just watched Thad play it, Deirdre. I can't even watch all of it. :)

Niall Mor said...

You mean Al Gore isn't a zombie?

Melanie B said...

Laughing so hard at #4 and roaring at #6.

Anonymous said...

Some Zombie would use this line from the Mikado:
(Koko: Are you old enough to marry do you think? Won't you wait until you're 80 in the shade? There's a fascination frantic in a ruin that's romantic -- do you think you are sufficently decayed?)
zombie-Katisha: To the matter that you mention, I have given some attention, and I think I am sufficiently decayed!

-S. Murphy