Pretty funny stuff.
1. Zombies will prove especially vulnerable to the savage mystical powers of Shun Ken Onion knives, turning those who possess them into Insta-Jedis.
2. By executive decree, the president will declare that all saloons have to give free beer to Insta-Jedis who whip out their Shun Ken Onion knives. [...]
4. Zombies will be terrified of small yappy dogs, and when startled by the canine klaxon, will exude an odorless pheromone that will instantly de-constipate the hound. If he's constipated. Which he probably is.
5. Chickens, when tapped on the poultry equivalent of the shoulder by Insta-Jedis, will instantly turn into chicken versions of those cool flying dragon birds from Avatar, and will prove staggeringly effective in helping Insta-Jedis who ride them pick off zombies from on high.
What would my Zombietopia be like? I've got a few ideas:
1. People who either played Resident Evil (tm) for hours and hours or dutifully watched their spouses play Resident Evil (tm) for hours and hours would have a significant advantage in fighting off real zombies, and would be able to do so with cheap kitchen knives, not fancy several-hundred-dollar foodie tools. ;)
2. Zombies would decide early on that redheads' brains taste bitter and would refuse to eat any, even if they managed to capture some redheads.
3. Zombies would not be at all afraid of dogs, but would, instead, greatly fear cats for their calm ability to start snacking on zombie limbs even while the zombie was still using them.
4. Several new zombie tracking websites, tools and apps would spring into existence, though there would be some friendly competition among such groups as DeadFace Book, Mutter, Cem City, and the popular and cool Zombie Positioning System which, alas, only works on the iPad.
5. Zombie-fighting regulations would grind to a complete halt in Congress, leading to the appalling discovery that zombies have been running most Senate committees for the last several decades.
6. The Catholic blogosphere would erupt in a bitter controversy about whether the zombies in question were merely dead flesh animated by some demonic power, and thus perfectly legitimate to destroy indiscriminately (as they couldn't be "killed," being already dead) or living people under the control of some parasite, poison, virus, or other agent, and thus still people whose human dignity precludes indiscriminate killing. The blog-war would rage without an end in site, until an intrepid Catholic blogger infiltrates the zombie-leader-group and films the zombie leaders engaging in a secret meeting featuring liturgical dance, workshops about incorporating the four elements into the liturgy, Sophia-goddess worship, and the Feng Shui of felt banner creation. All doubt is thus removed and the indiscriminate destruction of the zombies commences.
7. Though kitchen knives wielded by Resident Evil (tm) afficianados would be effective against the zombies, it's pretty slow dealing with them this way. Several other weapons are tried, but conventional weapons don't work that well either (as shooting something that isn't alive isn't, in reality, all that helpful). Finally, though, someone realizes that zombies can be destroyed quickly and easily by a device made of a detonator, a telepromtper, several liters of Botox, and a carton of CFL light bulbs. The demand for these items will leave lasting post-Zombietopia effects on the nation's military, politicians, entertainment industry, and green energy plans (not to mention Al Gore, possibly the only human to be effected by the shortage of three out of four of these items), but everyone agrees the sacrifice must be made.
Okay, your turn! What would your Zombietopia look like?