Humor Alert: the following post is intended to be humorous. If you fail to find the post funny it is probably my fault; however, if you fail to recognize that the post is intended to be humorous and angrily denounce me for writing it, you need to reread this Humor Alert. Thank you.
(Heaven) God, via His usual spokesman, St. Peter, today issued a press release clarifying that He didn't actually make Stephen Hawking.
"From what I understand," St. Peter said, addressing members of the press from the Rising Garden, "God admits to being the Author of Creation and the personal creator of all human beings ever conceived on Planet Earth...except for Steve. He simply won't confirm that He created Stephen Hawking. Something about turnabout and fair play, I understand."
Asked exactly how Steven Hawking came to be without God's assistance, St. Peter dodged the questions. "I can tell you that Steve wasn't some kind of accident. He didn't come about through random chance, either. I mean, the guy's brilliant. You think that occurs as the natural and inevitable result of random chemicals cavorting around for a few billion years? You should see some of the planets where the random chemicals are still cavorting without any further Divine orders--no intelligence. What does that tell you?"
When pressed to explain just why God was denying the creation of Stephen Hawking, St. Peter became agitated. "Whoa. Whoa, now. He didn't deny creating Steve, either. He just said He won't confirm it. You media types are always putting words in people's mouths."
St. Peter was then asked whether this whole press release was actually some kind of cosmic joke. "No. No, although God does have a terrific sense of humor, of course. The cosmic joke would be if it were actually possible for a matter-less void to become a material universe which contains sentient beings without any sort of catalyst. I think what God is offering, here, is a chance for Steve's contemporaries to be as agnostic about the creation of Steve as Steve is about the creation of everybody and everything else."
As St. Peter's cloud in the Rising Garden began to ascend back to Heaven, several reporters shouted questions about God's creation of other people and things, particularly wasps, thunderstorms, and Nancy Pelosi--but St. Peter merely smiled and waved, disappearing without answering any further questions.