1. That Obama really is the wise, benevolent, and merciful God-King and that they, his unworthy servants, were wrong ever to have doubted him for a second when he only has the Good of the Nation and Hope and Change and the Oceans Healing and so on in mind.
2. That the USCCB is made up of die-hard, bitter, guns-n-religion Republican clingers, who have never liked Obama at all, who have always been right-wing conservative talk-radio types, and who never ever ever speak out on issues dear to progressives like immigration, health care, unjust war, torture, etc., but are only concerned about stopping the spread of
3. That Sister Carol Keehan is the bestest Catholic ever, just like those martyrs of old who gladly accepted martyrdom rather than pour out libations to the pagan deities to meet their demands to put the worship of the State above the worship of God...er, wait. Strike that. Anyway, she's awesome, and the bishops should learn from her how one can be a Catholic while still being totally cool with contraception, sterilizations, and even abortifacients--'cause, hey, women have their stories, and journeys, and some women just need the right to kill off their unborn daughters in order to be fully human.
4. That John Allen (John Allen!) is a closet conservative who probably gets his talking points from Glenn Beck. Because he has failed to be totally tribally enthusiastic over the God-King's benevolent shell game--er, compromise--and thus that reveals his secret loyalties. Oh, and that he also thinks Dolan will be pope some day and so is starting his lickspittle sycophantic toadying early, to beat the rush.
5. That the bishops, in addition to being everything outlined in point 2, are also enamored of the rich, are secret Republican party lobbyists, hateful of the president, openly misogynistic in that they
6. That progressive Catholics need to stay and fight! Er, choke on the Creed and march out! Er, start an American Catholic Council to counter Rome! Er, join Call to Action or Voice of the Faithful (as if anybody who subscribes to NCR hasn't been a member of at least one of those organizations for at least 35 years now)! Er, risk being excommunicated! Er, pray for a schism! (And yes, each of these suggestions was made in the National Catholic Reporter comment boxes in response to the bishops' continued criticism of the HHS contraception mandate.)
7. That since so many of Our Sort of Catholics totally reject Church teaching against contraception, sterilization, and even abortion, the Church should just throw out 2,000 years of moral teaching and declare that the sensus fidelium has spoken. (Hint: when a group of self-indulgent people decide they don't like the difficult teachings and stomp their feet demanding change, that's not the sensus fidelium; that's the sensus asinorum.)
Isn't it amazing?
For years, the bishops have been welcomed by progressive Catholics in their vocal speech concerning progressive issues; John Allen was known to be "one of us," and while progressives deplored the bishops' speech against abortion, they took it to be a sort of weak nod to Rome to keep their good episcopal friends out of trouble rather than anything the bishops would be so rude as to actually mean. But now that the bishops are not knuckling under the God-King's decrees the second President Obama pretends to have come up with a compromise (and as some have pointed out, it's only a compromise when both sides agree; otherwise it's still a quite-likely unconstitutional mandate in compromise clothing), they, and any progressive Catholic who sides with them, are suddenly The Enemy.
Progressive Catholics should beware, though. There is a risk one takes when one kneels to worship Caesar; it is that Caesar has a tendency, when his kneeling worshipers are no longer necessary to his success, to kick them in the face.