Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Going out on a limb (Updated!)

Mark Shea prognosticates about the next pope:
Gather round children as I summon my mystic powers to foretell that which must and shall be!!!

The next Pope will be the one who wins the most votes in the Conclave.

He will be elected when the white smoke rises from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel.

I know! It gives even me the willies.
So, is this awesome proof of Mark's amazing link to Holy Stuff, or is it proof that he really is a Dark Lord who dabbles in powers better left unexplained and unexplored?  You decide.

In the spirit of this, which is a certain antidote to all of those "Here's who I think the next pope will be!" blog posts from Catholics some of whom should know better, I will offer my own amazing predictions below:

--The next pope will be (gasp) a male!  Yes, an actual male, not a male as described by some United States passports coming soon to a security line near you.

--The next pope will be (double gasp) Catholic!  Not the way this guy is, though, thank goodness.

--The next pope will have been a cardinal!  For at least some length of time!

--The next pope will be told by Reuters that his job is to lead a troubled Church in a troubled time of troubles and troubledness!  (Thank goodness nobody ever told Reuters that the preferred liberal Catholic term is "broken.")

--The next pope, unlike any candidate for SCOTUS ever, will actually have formed important opinions in his life and may even have (astonishingly enough!) written them down!

--The next pope, as polarizing as this may be, will be boldly pro-virtue and anti-sin!  This means he will be against things like contraception, abortion, unmarried/adulterous/homosexual sex, war, torture, and the unjust use of the death penalty, and in favor of things like babies, opposite sex married couples who stay together for life and raise their kids in the faith, peace, humane treatment of all detainees or prisoners or enhanced bad guys or whatever we call 'em these days, and giving sinners lots and lots of chances to be sorry and repent.  Amazing, isn't it?

 Okay, your turn!  Go out on a limb with your blindingly obvious predictions about the next pope while there's still time before he's elected!

UPDATE: I called the Reuters thing, didn't I?  After today's failed ballots Reuters' current article says this, just below the headline:

(Reuters) - Black smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel for a second day on Wednesday after a secret conclave of cardinals held two more inconclusive votes for a new pope to lead the troubled Roman Catholic Church. [Emphasis added--E.M.]

If Reuters uses "broken" tomorrow, I want credit.  (Okay, kidding.  Sort of.)

6 comments:

LarryD said...

I predict he will be able to speak and write in Latin.

Red Cardigan said...

Ooh, Larry, good one! But WWSPT? (What Would Sister Patricia Think?)

LarryD said...

But WWSPT? (What Would Sister Patricia Think?)

That's a question that not even Mark Shea, with all his prestigious prognostication powers, can divine...

MaryMargaret said...

I predict that the new pope will be more than 40 years old.

B et G said...

OH MY GOSH you were RIGHT ON EVERY POINT.

Red Cardigan said...

Yes I was! Woohoo! ;)