The liberals and progressives who haunt approximately five-mile radii around Texas' principle cities--many of them refugees from their home state of California, which they abandoned but curiously want to recreate everywhere they go--are howling with bloodthirsty glee today as Wendy Davis, nicknamed "Abortion Barbie" by conservative pundits everywhere, delighted them by tossing her iconic "fetal remains pink" tennis shoes into the ring, announcing her candidacy for governor of Texas.
Of course, Texas is still Texas, and there are more than a few pro-life Texans who aren't so thrilled at the idea of "Abortion Barbie" attempting to become governor of Texas. If I know my adopted home state, slogans like "Abort Wendy Davis' Campaign," and "Arm the Unborn: Make the TX Gov. Race a Fair Fight" will probably pop up quickly (and if that latter's not on a t-shirt on Zazzle (tm) or CafePress (tm) by Monday, I'll be disappointed).
The silly part of all of this is that you'd be hard-pressed to find even a Wendy Davis supporter who knows much of anything about Davis or her positions on issues except that she was willing to filibuster to try to stop the Texas legislature from passing abortion clinic regulations that would keep Texas clinics from continuing to resemble Kermit Gosnell's house of horrors. So all anybody really knows about Davis at this point is that she loves abortion. Really, really loves it. Is totally smitten with it, so that when dirty clinics with filthy equipment and hallways too narrow to get an ambulance gurney down on the all-too-frequent occasions when this is needed pop up like festering boils on the unfortunate souls waiting in the antechambers of Hell to learn their final destinations, she wants the government and the health department and everybody else to ignore all that, because if clinics have to be, you know, clean, and sanitary, and unimportant stuff like that, people who kill unborn humans for a living might be inclined to move their clinics to less-regulated states, on the same principle that has caused most of our manufacturing to go to third-world countries who permit pollution and human rights violations in ways our country theoretically doesn't (at least, outside of those filthy late-term abortion clinics).
If the media wasn't also thoroughly smitten with abortion, I bet we'd see late night comedy TV shows doing skits like this:
Scene: Fake TV news studio. Two desks, one containing a male and female anchorperson seated side by side; the other containing a male anchorperson and Abortion Barbie, Candidate for Governor of Texas.
Music: Newsroom-style theme: in, up, under, and out.
Camera One closes in on first desk.
First Announcer: Good evening. I'm Kip Kiplsley...
Second Announcer: And I'm Kitty Kittelson.
Kip: And this is the Evening News.
Kitty: Later in this broadcast--the secret danger of broccoli you didn't want to know. But first, in an Evening News Exclusive, our own Skip Skippers has an on-air interview with legendary Texas gubernatorial candidate, Abortion Barbie. Over to you, Skip!
Cut to Camera Two on second desk.
Skip: That's right, Kitty and Kip, we're very proud to have landed the first interview with Abortion Barbie since she announced her candidacy. Now, your name isn't really Abortion Barbie, right?
Abortion Barbie: No, no it's not, Skip, but you know, so many of my supporters and admirers started calling me that and it just kind of stuck, so we went with it.
Skip: I see. Well, Abortion Barbie, I think everybody in Texas knows that you are for abortion...
Abortion Barbie: That's right, Skip. I think that if we really want to realize the America dream of equality for all women, we just have to keep on making sure that the sacred and precious right to choose, and especially to choose abortion, is safeguarded from anti-choice zealots who have this crazy idea that abortion clinics should be held to the same cleanliness standards as stand-alone ER clinics or tattoo parlors. That's just wrong, and it's going to stop women from having those all--important abortions on the kind of scale we'd like to see for our state.
Skip: Right, right, but what our viewers would like to know is, what are your positions on the other issues that Texans face? For example, on education we...
Abortion Barbie: Stop right there, Skip, and let me just say right out that abortion is also the solution to our education dilemma in Texas.
Skip: Um, okay. How exactly?
Abortion Barbie: Well, it's very simple, Skip. We have complaints about overcrowded classrooms, overstressed teachers, not enough money--and all of that could be solved in less than twenty years if we just get the abortion rate much, much higher than it is right now. Because the real problem we're having in education is that there's just too many children being born in the first place, and lots of them are, quite frankly, never going to be much of an asset to Texas or the nation.
Skip: So how much higher do you think the abortion rate has to be, Abortion Barbie?
Abortion Barbie: I think when there are eight or nine abortions for every ten pregnancies, we'll see the education problem start to solve itself, Skip.
Skip: Okay. And I take it your solution for fixing Texas' infrastructure issues is also abortion?
Abortion Barbie: Exactly! Fewer people in Texas, a lot fewer people, and we won't need to worry about going bankrupt trying to fix roads and bridges. It's so simple, and it's really a key part of my vision for the state.
Skip: What about gun control?
Abortion Barbie: If we could bring the abortion rate up to the levels I'd like to see, then we'd have a lot fewer criminals in the first place, Skip. So the justification for private gun ownership would pretty much evaporate, and I would introduce legislation anticipating that effect. Because, you know, the only violence I approve of happens in the wombs of pregnant women. Gun violence is bad for our state and bad for children.
Skip: We're almost out of time, Abortion Barbie, so I'll ask you to sum up your campaign message for us.
Abortion Barbie: I appreciate that, Skip, and I think the viewers already know that my campaign is all about keeping abortion legal and widely available. I think it's time for the next generation of women to admit openly that we don't really care if abortion is safe because those unsafe clinics aren't in our neighborhoods anyway, and that we also don't really want abortion to be rare. In fact, the lip service older feminists--and I don't want to be too harsh on them, because they were the real trail-blazers who understood that a woman isn't really a free human being until she has terminated a pregnancy and joined that amazing sisterhood of women who dealt with problem embryos or fetuses proactively though abortion--but they did say all the time that abortion should be rare. And I think that it's time now to admit that abortion is too rare, much too rare. There are almost 400,000 children born in Texas each year with only about 70,000 to 75,000 abortions annually. And until we reverse those numbers--until there are 70,000 live births and 400,000 abortions in Texas every year--we're just going to keep seeing all of those problems we talked about earlier in our state.
Skip: Back to you, Kip and Kitty.
Cut to Camera One
Kip: Coming up after the break--scientists have identified a dangerous chemical in school children's spiral-bound notebooks. Is your child in danger? Join us, when we return...
Music: Up, under, and out.