New York--The Spirit of Irish Catholicism in America has died, following a decades-long illness and steady decline. His age was unknown, but it was believed to be nearly the same as the age of America herself.
Born in Ireland, the Spirit of Irish Catholicism entered America with a missionary spirit and zeal. He spread his unique brand of loyal Irish Catholicism across this once-great nation with vision, an appreciation for orthodoxy and orthopraxis, and occasional gusts of good humor and the spreading of Irish culture as well as the Catholic faith. His one great flaw was a lengthy and misguided flirtation with the Spirit of French Jansenism, but in the end Holy Mother Church called her erring son back to the path of righteousness.
Inspired by him, many of America’s Catholic sons and daughters of Irish descent served the Church and this nation in the priesthood and religious life, as spiritual leaders, teachers, and tireless workers in too many charitable endeavors to count. They built churches, schools, hospitals, and many other institutions which survived two World Wars and brought the life of faith and the hope of salvation to many.
Many observers place the beginning of the Spirit’s decline somewhere around the Kennedy years; certainly the Spirit of Irish Catholicism in America suffered a shame-induced attack which left him bedridden from that point on. With the Spirit declining the rise of CINOs of Irish descent, once an unthinkable prospect, became a depressing reality; such “Irish American Catholics” were, and remain, notable for their tendency to attend Mass twice to four times a year (if they have nothing better to do) and to insist on having their children baptized and admitted to Holy Communion (though they are inclined to be quarrelsome about the requirement for children to make their First Confession before that day, as it involves extra trips to church without the inducement of great-grandmother’s expensive vintage Irish lace veil and, even worse, implies that people who are both Irish and Catholic can actually sin, something most Irish CINOs do not believe).
But the death blow was delivered by this news; hearing that neither Cardinal Dolan nor William Donohue objected to permitting a group of people who are proud of their sins against the Sixth Commandment to march in next year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade holding a banner proclaiming their pride in committing sins against the Sixth Commandment dealt to the Spirit of Irish Catholicism in America a death blow from which the poor Spirit simply could not recover.
A Solemn Requiem Mass for the Spirit of Irish Catholicism in America is not planned, as Cardinal Dolan thinks such an event would be divisive. The Spirit’s remains have been sold to a certain Irish beer company which is hoping that infusing the Spirit in their product will save it from tasting like a moral sewer full of lust, greed, and gluttony, as it has for years. A handful of the loyal sons and daughters of the Spirit of Irish Catholicism in America have announced that henceforth on St. Patrick’s Day they will wear black instead of green, in order to mourn the Spirit and join with St. Patrick himself in deploring the loss.